Top It Up!
If you play your toppings right, even a frozen pizza can be elevated into a craveworthy game-time snack. Heck, your guests might be so knocked out by the flavor punch that they'll totally forget that what's in their mouth came from the icebox. Seriously!
Buffalo Chicken Pizza
Toss some shredded grilled chicken breast (you can get it from the deli department) with a good glug of Frank's hot sauce. Apply to your pizza, sprinkle with chunks of blue cheese, and bake until crisp and bubbly. Once it comes out of the oven, sprinkle on a bit of extra hot sauce, dot with more blue cheese, and garnish with scallions.
If you want to get even more crazy, go ahead and use frozen chicken nuggets in place of the shredded chicken. For real. We won't judge you.
Pepperoni, Pimentos, and 'Peños
The triple P invasion. Thick-sliced pepperoni (my favorite is from Vermont Smoke and Cure), jarred pimentos, and sliced pickled jalapeños. Ok, so that's technically a double-J single-P invasion. Poetic license makes exceptions for deliciousness. If you add a bit of extra cheese and let it drop over the edges, you can even get some nice crisp, burnt bits, a la Detroit-style pizza.
Pastrami, Swiss, and Pickles
French bread pizza topped with hunks of shredded pastrami, shredded swiss cheese, and cubed dill pickles. Bake the whole thing until hot and bubbly and the edges of the pastrami get crisp, then top with sliced scallions.
Tater Tots, Bacon, Jalapeños, Hot Sauce, and Onions
I mean, they live right next to each other in the frozen foods aisle...why shouldn't they live together in the oven? Slice tater tots in half lengthwise and place them directly on your frozen pizza. Sprinkle with a bit of grated cheese, then add some par-cooked lardons of slab bacon, some sliced pickled jalapeños, and sliced onions. The tots will crisp up in the oven as the pizza bakes, the cheese fusing everything together into one big, happy, tasty raft of carbs. A drizzle of hot sauce at the end ties the whole thing together. Like a rug.
If you've got the inclination, take Chicago editor Nick's suggestions: put an egg on it. Crack an egg or two in the center about half way through cooking. Or to go fancier, use a dozen quail eggs, one on each bite-sized portion.
Get rid of those wimpy croutons. Instead, use mini bagel pizza bites as the base for your favorite bruschetta toppings, like these grape tomatoes tossed with basil, olive oil, and shaved parmesan cheese. Just remember, it's pronounced broo-skett-uh. We certainly don't want to commit any crimes against authenticity here.
All the flavors of spaghetti alla puttanesca—the Roman whore-house classic, flavored with garlic, anchovies, capers, and olives—on top of a frozen pie. Lay your anchovies out in a crisscross pattern, then top with chopped olives, capers, and garlic that have been tossed in olive oil. Add a few cherry tomatoes, bake the whole thing, then sprinkle it with parmesan cheese and chopped parsley or basil before serving.
Anyone sick of these silly portmanteau names yet? Before you start complaining, let me just shove one of these in your mouth. Bagel bites are topped with a thick slice of chorizo before baking. Once they come out of the oven, they get layered with salsa verde, sliced serrano peppers, fresh cilantro leaves, and sliced white onions. Hot, spicy, and utterly addictive.
You were saying?
Yeah, I thought so.