Oh, Would You Just Go Home, Kramer?!

Posted by Adam Kuban, August 30, 2004 at 1:40 PM

All-things-New York blog Gothamist has an interview with Kenny Kramer (right), the inspiration for Cosmo Kramer on Seinfeld. We were chatting with Gothamist editor Jen Chung, and she reminded us of one of the many boneheaded ideas that the fictional Kramer had: a make-your-own-pizza pizzeria.

Ms. Chung was then kind enough to send us the relevant parts of the script from the episode titled "Male Unbonding."

KRAMER: That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own.
KRAMER: Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza idea, is really going to happen.
GEORGE: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
KRAMER: Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and they - you slide it into the oven.
GEORGE: You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven.
KRAMER: It's all supervised.
GEORGE: Oh, well.
KRAMER: All of it. You want to invest?
GEORGE: My money's all tied up in change right now.
KRAMER: No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.
JERRY: I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.. but that's me.
KRAMER: That's you.
JERRY: I'm just saying..
KRAMER: Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.
JERRY: Okay.
KRAMER: You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back through the door) One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie. (he leaves)
KRAMER: Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea!
JERRY: This is too much.
ELAINE: Wait, what pizza place idea?
JERRY: Oh, no.
KRAMER: You make your own pie!
ELAINE: Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.

Make-your-own-pizza is a recipe for disaster. Most New York pizzerias can't even turn out decent pies. What would customers do if left to their own devices? Then again, some of these places probably couldn't do much worse.

(Our favorite Cosmo Kramer scheme was when he got a hold of that Central Park carriage and fed the horse the huge can of beans or whatever.)

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Tags: Oddities