Well, folks, unless they left me on the cutting room floor, yours truly will be appearing as a blabbing head tomorrow night on the new Food Network show Heavyweights. I'll be on an episode called "The Pizza Files."

The show pits two food industry rivals against one another and has commentators talk about them. The two biggies here: Pizza Hut and Domino's.

The short of it: Airs Saturday, September 22 at 9 p.m. ET. Check your local listings, set your TiVos, take some Tums.

The long of it after the jump, written just after I taped the show on July 6 and excerpted from my personal blog ...

makeupme.jpgI just got back from being taped for an upcoming Food Network show whose working title is Heavyweights. The producers contacted me in early June about appearing in an episode about Pizza Hut and Domino's.

Described by the producers as "Unwrapped meets Best Week Ever," Heavyweights compares and contrasts two food icons in any given field. Obvs, the show I taped for will be about pizza. I'm told the series will premiere in September and that it's an attempt by the Food Network to be "younger and edgy."

The picture at top right is me on the F train rushing back home to my apartment to wash off my make-up, which, of course, was applied by a TV make-up artist.

Not just any make-up artist, mind you, but none other than the head make-up artist for Project Runway, Donyale McRae. I guess I really didn't pay much attention while the models and designers visited the "L'Oreal Paris Make-Up Studio," because I failed to recognize McRae upon sitting down in the chair, but after some conversation it came up. I thanked Mr. McRae for helping put together a fantastic show and then made small talk about burgers with him.

The taping took about an hour and was done in front of a green screen. I'm told they'll put animations and such behind me that relate to what I'm talking about.

I was originally going to wear a seersucker jacket, but the shirts I could have worn with it were stained, so I opted for a black shirt with some stripes on it and a Western-style gray blazer. I wore my gray I [Slice] NY T-shirt as an undershirt because I was worried I'd start sweating too much. As it turned out, the black shirt with stripes was producing a moiré pattern every time I shifted, so I ended up getting to wear my I [Slice] NY on camera. Awesome marketing on my part, thank you very much. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't wear the seersucker because that would have produced one hell of a moiré.

The producers prepared me with all sorts of trivia earlier in the week, and I skimmed it only briefly. No biggie, though: I surprised both myself and them with how much I remembered. The segment producer asked me questions from off camera, which I was to answer incorporating her question and the given trivia--all to give the appearance that I'm just talking about the Hut and/or Domino's unprompted. If you watch Best Week Ever, you know what that appears like once it's edited down. I mentioned the Noid and Pizza Hut's appearance in the Bad News Bears and Wayne's World, among others.

I was initially hesitant about doing the show. When they contacted me, I was like, "Have you read my site? I'm not the biggest fan of either of those joints." But they assured me that I wouldn't have to necessarily say I liked the places--just riff on pop-culture stuff and the goofiness of Stuffed Crust pizza and the like. I figured I could deal with that, and I hope I don't come across as sounding too rah rah about either place, since they both make crap pizza.

It was actually a lot of fun, and I can't wait to see the result. I mentioned something that they hadn't dug up--the fact that Ween was commissioned to compose a jingle for Pizza Hut but that the song was nixed. That song had lyrics "Where'd the cheese go? I don' know!" and I mistakenly said it was for the Stuffed Crust pizza, but it turns out it was actually for a since-failed pie called "The Insider." I hope they still get to use my info, though; they made me sing it.

On second thought, I hope they leave that singing out.

Listen Up!
Ween, "Where'd the Cheese Go?" (unreleased clean version)
Ween, "Where'd the Motherfuckin' Cheese Go?" (unreleased explicit version, recorded after the Hut nixed the deal)


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