In making my way through one of Jamba Juice's new California Flatbreads, I could only find one reason to be thankful— that they didn't call them "pizzas." To have done so would've constituted a disgrace to the name of pizza. As it is, they're only a disgrace to flatbreads, and California. Which, I presume, readers of this blog don't care about quite as much.
Currently in limited release in New York City, the $4 flatbreads are marketed as a healthy alternative to fast food lunches, an on-the-go personal pizza for the conscientious eater. The four varieties (get ready to groan)—Tomo Artichoko, Smokehouse Chicken, MediterraneYUM, and Four Cheesy—are all under 350 calories, all free of corn syrup and preservatives.
The one problem? They all taste like cardboard.
Well, maybe not cardboard. "Cafeteria food," "rubber," "glue," and "Lean Cuisine" might all be fairer comparisons. But they do not taste like anything a person should sacrifice a meal for. Under any circumstances.
As Adam put it: "It's the coal in your pizza stocking."
The MediterraneYUM was perhaps the least vile of the four, its taste dominated by the bell peppers, mushrooms, zucchini, and onions on top. But the vegetables were limp, and the crust—on this pizza, as on every other—was gluey, pale, and entirely lacking in flavor. Any flavor. So little that it was really quite incredible. Had Jamba Juice created the first entirely tasteless foodstuff?
The Four Cheesy had mozzarella, provolone, Parmesan, and Romano cheeses, and tasted like none of them; the only flavor came from the candy-sweet tomato sauce.
Incredibly, the barbecue sauce under the Smokehouse Chicken flatbread was even sweeter, an unhappy saccharine underlay to the rubbery nubs of chicken.
The Tomo Artichoko, the cheery cashier at Jamba Juice told me, was the worst of the bunch. ("I love the others. But that's some vegetarian shit.") The pizza did taste like artichoke, though not in a good way—in the manner, rather, of the tough bits near the inedible end of the artichoke leaf, straw-like and dry.
Your smoothies are fine, your oatmeal incredible; but Jamba Juice, if you're reading, please don't subject the rest of the nation to these flatbreads. No one needs soggy microwave-quality pizza. Especially at $4 a pop.
You should try putting it in the oven for longer to see if anything good happens to it at a high temperature. The flatbread part looks barely cooked. Though, if you do turn the oven up high enough it'll probably just turn to ash, which probably tastes just as good as its current form.
I wish I had never read this post so that I would never know that there are people in this world that would put time, effort and money into creating such wicked products.
These remind me of the wholesale pizza crusts that my Mom used to get from Sam's Club when we were kids and would whip up some interesting pizza creations which definitely looked tastier than these! Though they all shared that holey bottom of a pizza crust which would amuse me for hours.....
We have these here in CA too, though luckily I have NOT tried them yet and now I don't have to! I love seeing the pictures here, as the promo photos of these things they have in the store look awesome...but I was assuming reality might not be so good!
I have to say, though, their other food is really pretty good! I don't know how much of the country has their new wraps and salads, but I've been very happy with them for the price. I've tried the ceasar salad (ok but not amazing), the greens and grains wrap (excellent), and the asian chicken wrap (also very good). It's a good value, too, with a small smoothie and a wrap or salad for abut $7.50.
It's hard to tell because of Robyn's killer photography skills, but the flatbreads are pretty small—maybe even a wee bit smaller than they look here. They are about as adorable as they are disgusting.
uh... I think I would try that... if I was out of options and really really hungry. It doesn't look super though... the pictures look super, just not the food.
Hahah, what a joke. They shouldn't even be allowed to make pizza at 99 percent of the establishments that serve it in CA. They should stick to tacos and other baja delights.
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21 Comments:
OMG. That upskirt looks like ass. <-- That sentence is actually going to be good for pr0n SEO, btw.
Adam Kuban at 4:34PM on 08/05/09
You should try putting it in the oven for longer to see if anything good happens to it at a high temperature. The flatbread part looks barely cooked. Though, if you do turn the oven up high enough it'll probably just turn to ash, which probably tastes just as good as its current form.
Allison Hemler at 4:38PM on 08/05/09
Looks like a couple notches up from the Pizza Hut To-Go personal size pizzas in airports and mall food courts. Maybe these won't induce vomiting.
s4xton at 4:42PM on 08/05/09
I wish I had never read this post so that I would never know that there are people in this world that would put time, effort and money into creating such wicked products.
Nebagakid at 4:58PM on 08/05/09
These remind me of the wholesale pizza crusts that my Mom used to get from Sam's Club when we were kids and would whip up some interesting pizza creations which definitely looked tastier than these! Though they all shared that holey bottom of a pizza crust which would amuse me for hours.....
arathi at 4:59PM on 08/05/09
"rubbery nubs of chicken". Can't stop laughing.
jdmcdonald at 5:13PM on 08/05/09
We have these here in CA too, though luckily I have NOT tried them yet and now I don't have to! I love seeing the pictures here, as the promo photos of these things they have in the store look awesome...but I was assuming reality might not be so good!
I have to say, though, their other food is really pretty good! I don't know how much of the country has their new wraps and salads, but I've been very happy with them for the price. I've tried the ceasar salad (ok but not amazing), the greens and grains wrap (excellent), and the asian chicken wrap (also very good). It's a good value, too, with a small smoothie and a wrap or salad for abut $7.50.
cupcakemuffin at 5:33PM on 08/05/09
4$ for that crap? You can find better fastfood from Jack or McD on their dollar menus.
Jamba Juice should stick with their calorie laden drinks
mandarin at 5:36PM on 08/05/09
It's hard to tell because of Robyn's killer photography skills, but the flatbreads are pretty small—maybe even a wee bit smaller than they look here. They are about as adorable as they are disgusting.
Erin Zimmer at 5:48PM on 08/05/09
Gah! Why must they blemish the good name of California? We've already got the Governator to do that for us.
marchpane at 5:50PM on 08/05/09
They look like some horrible microwave pizza (Like "Little Charlie's" my elementary school sold. barf.). Thankfully, it's only for a limited time.
beth1 at 6:42PM on 08/05/09
last food I got a jamba was moldy. yep. another fail.
bisbee at 6:46PM on 08/05/09
(a) Surprised "Californication" pun has not been made in some form.
(b) They're not even flat. Not. Even. Flat.
Michele Humes at 6:48PM on 08/05/09
Jeez, another dollar would buy you a slice of DiFara's, but we all know that's a rip off as well :)
Pizzablogger at 6:48PM on 08/05/09
I love how these aren't even flatbread pizzas. The look more like some hell-bound, pseudo intellectual version of a Red Baron individual pizza.
JudgeFudge at 9:42AM on 08/06/09
uh... I think I would try that... if I was out of options and really really hungry. It doesn't look super though... the pictures look super, just not the food.
foodinmouth at 10:04AM on 08/06/09
All of Jamba Juice's baked goods never look appetizing. I just stick with what they're good at: juices.
Fatfudge at 2:53PM on 08/06/09
That looks not good.
JustNancy at 5:26PM on 08/07/09
What are the little black specks in the "crust"?
Lilla at 9:17AM on 08/12/09
you can make your own pizza and it would taste better and be cheaper i do and im only 16
sabrinac at 10:46PM on 08/16/09
Hahah, what a joke. They shouldn't even be allowed to make pizza at 99 percent of the establishments that serve it in CA. They should stick to tacos and other baja delights.
Kismetized at 9:56PM on 08/23/09