Choire Sicha's Pizza-Cooking Secrets

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A pizza from Choire Sicha's oven. [Photograph: The Awl]

Ah! Finally. I've been waiting for Awl cofounder Choire Sicha to post about his pizza-cooking secret since just before Thanksgiving, when he said ...

Okay, so, now I will tell you the second of my four cooking secrets. (The first is pie crust. The third secret is how to make pizza, which I will tell you at a later date. It's a GOOD SECRET too. The fourth secret, however, might have to remain secret forever.)

Sicha finally posted his pizza secrets on Tuesday. He plays fast and loose with some accepted techniques, and if you've read Slice long enough, you'll recognize some of the techniques, but the recipe is worth a read for the funny.

4. It doesn't have to be white and semolina. Just two cups of flour. Half wheat? Half white? All white? Whatever you like! You only have cake flour? Who gives a shit! Do you think in the middle ages when they made flour products they had time to care what kind of flour it was? No. They were just trying not to eat rats

I also love that he advises you to turn the oven to the self-clean cycle but to have someone else open the ungodly hot box for you to insert your pizza.

Oh, and this:

17. Cook for 6 to 10 minutes. IT WILL LOOK LIKE PIZZA WHEN IT IS DONE. IT COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS, ARE YOU A MORON?

18. Removal is also very frightening. I do not have a "pizza peel" because I am not a total homo, NO OFFENSE, so I use like two spatulas and then toss the pizza from the oven to the nearby counter (burning myself slightly on the way) where it is devoured like a lost rabbit at a junkyard dog party.

Seriously, Choire? You advise us to turn the oven to the self-clean cycle but then decry the use of pizza peels?

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