My response, the ever-so-calm "NO! WTF! THAT IS AWESOME."
You know I had to try it, so I did. Step-by-step photos, after the jump.
The package suggests cooking the pizza directly on the rack at 450°F. Don't. I'd suggest cooking it on a baking sheet at 425°F instead. This will keep the crust from getting too crisp to roll. (I didn't have a baking sheet on hand in the office, so I used doubled-up aluminum foil. Avoid this, if you can. My pizza stuck a bit.)
The crust will be hot. You might want to roll with some paper towels or a clean kitchen towel--or just work quickly. You sort of want the intense heat, though, so that the molten cheese seals the pizzarito together at the end.
Roll it tightly, like you're rolling a big doobie. You've never rolled a doobie? Don't lie to me--you're eating Totino's Party Pizza, aren't you?
Finish so that the seam side is down, and let pizzarito rest for a few minutes. This accomplishes two things: The cheese will cool a bit and seal the roll and the crust will become cool enough to handle.
Eat with caution. Even if the crust is within the barely touchable range, the insides remain piping hot.
Eating the Totino's in this manner really did seem to change the Totino's experience. Cooked as it was, the crust was hot, moist, and a bit greasy--almost like a kati roll. A pizza-flavored kati roll.
Making the Party Pizza into a pizzarito put much more focus on the crust--and you can take that as you like, depending on how you view Totino's crust. I happen to like its weird flakiness, so I was happy to get what amounted to a full-frontal crust assault. The roll also helps you avoid the dreaded pizza mouth-burn.
A huge thanks to Greenolivemedia for the suggestion!
This post may contain links to Amazon or other partners; your purchases via these links can benefit Serious Eats. Read more about our affiliate linking policy.